what to do?? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

hmm, is it the temptation from Satan, or a patient test from God...
well....I'm not sure about that...haix...i need more focus right now....is not the time to me to do love busizz right now....
although i want it so...or just maybe i want to find someone to talk to and someone that can listen to me...hmm...i now really do not know what do i really need a girlfriend now...i am so blur and confuse. as everyday past, i have yet to learn on how to let my mind be free and not thinking of her..she had carved so much into my heart..i am really losing my mind...huh....

is not that easy to keep yourselves focus once you are in the outside world..there is just so many temptation out there waiting and patient have to be learn when you have once step out of your ring(home) i failed today but i will keep on going to have my dream fullfill!! i will not be easy but i will keep on going and push myself eevn harder....

huh..is still not that easy to keep yourselves positive the all time, the next day you might fall to the deepest gorge. is there anyway to not going too positive or too negative?? like staying nutral?? meditate??? om................................................................is just too iritate....haha^^

haix...anyway, i need to work hard now..i'm a machine!!! only need to recharge and refuel....never get tired!!!!! huh...but still very headache....haix

a new me!!!

love is patient, love is kind, love is slowly losing your mind^^
love is easy to get, but trust is hard to gain.
love is not gaining each other, but love is knowing each others well.
love is just so miracle, that every sacrifice can be make without a return.....romantic...haha feel like vomiting^^

to be honest, somehow is like love in first sight with you..haha^^ weird....anyway things happen a lot after that...and now you are with another guy..he's my best friend!! oh my Goodness to hear that how this kind of things happen to me, wow!!! such an experience, hmm, somehow God let me learn a lot of thing after knowing this particular girl...haha so in love in her that, not only she is pretty, but she is like a sparkle for my life, while I'm a coal that will never start my flame on it's own. She change my way of thinking and alter my path of life on how to be a better man, she is just somehow too important to me to loose..well not to take her away from my best friend but not to lose her as in an important person in my life. she had really put a flame in my life...i am so thankfull of knowing her...my life is finally changing!!!! yeehaaaaa!!!!!!!! so happy!!! no more sad and loser duyung!!!!

CAPTAIN DUYUNG IS FINALLY BACK!!!!!!!

is really envy on every time seeing them hugging together, but i had overcome it already!!! woohoo!!! God let me have this kinda taste and feeling to have me learn more, so that i won't repeat it to my friend, cause this feeling is really so damn hurt when it strike. so this won't repeat in my life!!! wakaka^^ if he ever hurt her maybe different things will happen lah, wakaka, can't guaranty..xixi^^

wow...is been so long i didn't listen to music, well not that I'm crazy, but the music that doesn't have lyrics, instrumental music, is called music...haha^^ jazz...my most favorite!! i was so crazy of you, did you know?? haha, a slight of emptiness and spaces in my brain and thoughts, you just show up in my thoughts, but after listening to the favorite music this afternoon, i have a much clearer mind that, i need to be someone's example that i am a burning flame that can keep someone warm!! i am taking paino class!!! for what?? to take jazz into everyone soul and to show everyone that is worth to enjoy life even when you fall!!! is only part of the life, let it be part of your memory and a lesson to you, to improve yourself and show someone that you are proud to fall down!!! because you can't get anything more once you are a winner, is like a seesaw, can you get higher when you are at the top of the seesaw?? seem...no. so my dream, learn too play jazz, open my own bar, have my piano inside, and playing jazz too everyone every night. or even record it my own plays and then bring it home and relax with a glass of wine and sitting beside my house big window on a high rise, starring down to the city, and beside me...which is my most beautiful and important person in my life....my girlfriend/ wife...not that i have it now, wakaka, S.A.S (single, available, and satisfied)

wahaha^^ my life is changing!!! this is the new me!!! im improving myself eveyday chasing my dream always, i've set my goal and target!!! i will get it!! i can see it!! i can feel it!! woooow!!!!!
hmm...am i being too sacarstic???wakaka^^

i need a break..

running down the beach with full breath!!! i stop my pace and saw the sunset...i want to shout it out load as i am really in a big stress now or what am i seeing trough my eyes now...i really wish that i am blind and never see it happen, but my curiosity keeps on wanting me to see it happen!!! i want to shout!! it makes me feel better!! but, after the shout, i feel sad again that to think of it how stupid my life had been...i now only want to do is just went to the sit down beside the coconut tree that can be found beside the beach...just relax my brain and watch the sunset fall..

my life have to go on, but this time i really need a hand right now..someone to pull me up this time. i wanna know how it is feel like to be pulled. i really tired and headache these few days, but somehow, pain doesn't really exist in me already as i have become numb with pain..

there's so many feeling i wanna pour out there's so many feeling i wanna say it out, but it ain't the right time yet...or maybe it should only kept it to myself only. i am only afraid of hurting my friends feeling, or maybe being scold just maybe they didn't see what i feel...i never even feel like i am being notice or acknowledge....is there anyone reading my blog??:'(

should i say or should i not..it still is a secret as i don't want it to spread so much yet..but i can only say my life will be starting at august and my privilege will start at September. and after that i will be a man! a man that can have successful life that will never gonna say i am no one to be unknown anymore!!!!!!!

huh...tired of wearing my mask..when can i take it down...it still a long time to reach august. pray Lord will continue hold my breath and support my leg to stand until that day come, then I'll be free and walk on my own.

hm....let past be past...i am under healing sesion

hmmm....somehow is in their own nature...boys, will always be boys...(always like a kid)
boys only will think of their own benifits..never will taughts of what other (means their love one). they always think that 'i am the perfect man, be with me and i will take care of you forever' but then the next thing you can see that is their wife that is still cooking to their husband, haha^^ right or not ladys?? hmm, why leh?? is it because when human is in preamature state(eariy state of the earth when 1st human exist), man's the only one that hunt outside for food for their family, while woman can only take care of their children and cook for the family?? hmmm...might be so until man think of themselves so proud because " i have killed a lion!!! i am the strongest!!" strong, doesn't mean anything of will have a good and understanding with the one you love...(having muscle doesn't mean you are smart)

slow down yourselves....see what others wanted, force won't make things change and become better, it might stay at there if you are luckly enough but mostly fail and even lose sight of it. comunication and extra hard of effort to have a much better hapiness and understanding. don't wait until mistake then just to know how to change.

hmmm...i am sharing this because i did it once, chances always apear, is just that we always missed the best oportunity.
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there has been silence in me for a while...i've learn so much lately....been depress for so long yesterday...so down...
i finally realize that hate, anger, jelouse and ENVY, versus two eyes of foever love and hapiness, will only create more sadness in me...haha^^ my mind have been so tired lately..haix...
i've saw thing in my dream that thing will happen, at 1st i taught it was a false. but after that day being a 'light bulp' i realize that that dream is merely a warning from God, that he wanted me to stay away from them for a while..but, i happen in front of my eyes, but my reflex seems so slow and i can't see things cleary. i taught that is how it is that way that they both are..but, after uncovering the truth...it had became a nightmare for me after that day..
i can't stop remembering how they stare at each other that time...just so lovely...
why am i being so stupid that i din't realize it is happening and let myself hurt so much...why??

i've being silence once more.....

calm yourselves duyung...maybe the only way to treat yourselves is to torment yourselves trough phisical damage...is what you do best..then let time heal you...let past be past, we grow from it to for today to have better future....don't let memory haunt u down. be strong duyung!

this is short

ya i love her...but is all over now,
i realize that i love her too much, until givin' up so many,
love someone doesn't need to have them
only seeing them from far that they are happy, it'll be fine.
love someone need to make them as happy as possible,
even the step that need to break apart or letting go is, is the only way that can make them happy, then just let them go. even this choice sucks...u will get more when you saw them happy by leaving you either...

i am blessing those who are together, am praying those who just had lost.

i am now part of the past!

Over My Head (Cable Car) :
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

haix...suan le bah take good care of her!

what is it to do?? what can i do?? hmm..sorry, looks like i can't do anything already, decision had been make...really so sad and hurt tonight..it just like the feeling of despair...so deep under the ground that no chance of climbing back..
i can't do anything more, need to get myself away for a while, coz the only way to forget my love to her, is to only getting, she is with someone better. i trust him. although want to kick his ass tonight, haha^^
haix...suan le bah duyung, she is with a better person that can make her feel better and comfortable, i'm just a slut to her...anyone know how much i love her...hmmmm, depends also...i really really love her, want to take care of her, help her, but, only more and more misuderstanding apear. she is just so beautiful...can anyone see??? yes..he has finaly see it...haha^^well ok lah, i really really do trust that guy. haha^^

well...love exist in so many ways, this time is to let go, but i will not give up!! haha, get what i mean?? even until the day she is not married, i will still want to love her, wahahaa...i never knew she would be the one that effect my mind so hard, so many. until everyday cannot sleep! cool, even my previous din't have it like that before..im just too serious already this time...way, way too serious...hmm, hope her feeling is not disturbed after i wrote this blog...tell me if u do.

haix...let go lah duyung
i might need some time this time..no, is a lot!! halve year to forget?? walau....so love her eh...
let go let go!!! u can do it....hmmm, how about torchering myself trough work so hard until no more breath?? hmm....then need to work 17 hours already...wahahaha, working machine non-stop!!!!wow!!! cool....yes!! i'm running away!!! so what!!! say me coward or pussy, but is the only way to stop my own time on thinking too much...

haix...felt like wanna drunk myself tonight, just feeling so sad...down..cold..alone..no more hope...uak!!! disgusting!!!!! suan le bah!! just cry hard hard tonight then tomorrow morning will be ok soon. hope so lah.....really so fucking bitch full shit damn loadedly sad!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna go drink beer...
need to get up soon...something big is coming into my life soon...wahaha^^v i am going to be dissapearing soon!!!!! wahaha^^ wish me luck!!
take good care of her!!! even the slightest hurt u give to her, i will hit you with my hammer that is 12kg in weight and blow ur head off with my modified air gun that is directly connected to 280 psi(maximum 300 psi) air compresser!!! jaga kau!! wahahaha^^ im serius
haha^^ almost forgot to bless u both...May God put your hands together to have a better future^^v